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Old 02-07-09, 03:55 AM
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Default relationships... If you don't "just know"

I've always thought when you fall in love with someone, you'd "just know" or it would be this initial magical shooting stars moment, and there'd be this exciting feeling of infatuation, then you get to know the person and as you grow in relationship things start to confirm and deconfirm all of that and your head matches your heart.

I guess I'm confused lately. For a long time I had these "magic feelings" for another girl and it never worked out. And for the last year I've know this other girl, and due to friend groups, we've hung out an awful lot. I never really started any of that as liking her or with that thought at all, in fact, I never though too much. And I realize now I had a lot of walls up, yet I also wonder if I was really interested that feelings wouldn't have pressed through that.

There was a lot of reasons I wrote things off with that at first...

- her family is from a different state and isn't the picture perfect family
- different views on alchohol; though she isn't a partier or anything she'll have a drink when people go out, and on occassion she'll drink more than she ought... not to being drunk, but being buzzed... though I never get the impression she is a partier type of personality or anything like that, in fact she chose to not drink alchohol at all for 2008 as her new year's resolution, just because its something she didn't ever want to have any hold in her life
- she doesn't raise her hands in worship and is just more reserved in that way, which I know is fine, it doesn't matter how people worship the point is the heart, I just mean it is different than how I was raised and relate to the Lord
- I wish I knew more about her depth and walk with the Lord, I know she has a walk with God and she has very strong character and certainly talks about her talking to God or God leading her in certain ways, I just haven't really had any deep conversations with her about that. But she's done a lot of youth camps and is a Jr. High leader. I just mean, I've always felt like I've known more about girls walks with God or been more open about it in the church I was raised in, which is also a pretty conservative church

Anyway, all I am saying is for a long time I just had a wall up against any possibility because my heart was elsewhere with another girl, I had this picture of what I thought a girl should be like, and even look like physically, and just how a relationship should look or unfold.

But as time has gone by and I've gotten to know her better, I've started to see things and realize things. Her heart is amazing. She has so much fruit in her life, like when I think of describing her Galatians and the fruits of the spirit come to mind. She is one of the kindest and most loving and accepting and patient people I have ever met. I really like her personality and she has a sense of adventure and just life to her. I feel really comfortable around her; she accepts me for who I am and I never feel like I have to change anything about myself. Her profession and her life goals are overall very compatible with mine. We're both the same age (24) and recently done with college and have a degree.

I know she liked and we spent a day together some months ago that sort of made that pretty clear, but then I pushed her away and sort of distanced myself, even though we always hung out in the same friend group, mostly because I didn't feel like I liked her and didn't want to lead her on. Everything was always fine though.

I started to realize in the last few days before she left state to move back home that actually... maybe I do have feelings or like her. Just this realization that even though there's questions I have or things I'd feel like maybe need to be worked out, ie views on alcohol (I don't drink at all, though I am ok with social drinks and all my friends do but are very responsible, I just don't like it when she has more than one drink or so, I don't think there is any reason to have more than one drink or especially to ever even let yourself get buzzed), and I'd want to learn more about her walk with God, etc...

But yes, just this thought as she packed up and left that... what have I done? Was I so blinded by this other person and these preconceived notions of what I thought I wanted or how a relationship should look or unfold that I missed the best thing that could ever happen to me?

But yet I feel like something like this should or would be just crystal clear, like I should have these feelings of "yup I'm in love with her!" Like, usually I think it is your heart that does funny things to your head... but for me, I feel like it is my head and logic that is doing things to my heart, like I feel like I can make a very long list of reasons why I should like her, but for so long I just never felt a thing... and now I've started to feel something when she left; and i wonder if I am just confusing feelings of her leaving and moving with feelings of attraction and/or really started to realize I like her.

I guess I never wanted to be motivated by fear, ie confusing a fear of not ever finding someone with such a great heart like hers and acceptance of me and just compatibility, with just this overwhelming "love" where you just know. At the same time, I don't want to miss something because I am not open or have this wall put up to what I think things should look like in a person or how things unfold or be superficial or anything of that sort.

I guess I don't really know what I feel, I feel like I wish I had some more time to figure this out, but now.... now I don't, because she moved.

I know that seems like the door is closed, but I am very open to moving to, since she moved to LA and I have friends there and a couple of my friends just moved there and I am in a transition time in life anyway, and there are possible some great job opportunites for me there, and I was sort of thinking about the possibility of moving to LA before I started having any feelings.

Anyway I am rambling, I apologize. The point is...

Why do I feel like I don't know? Is that normal, or should you just know?
Does it sound like I am not being open, or haven't been open to something, because of superficial reasons or preconcieved notions or walls I put up?
Does it sound like I am being motivated by fear or love? (I know thats a hard if not impossible question to answer).

I guess I am just looking for some Godly help, wisdom, and advice - both spiritual, and just merely practical... does it sound like I'm in love or sad a friend is leaving? What the heck is going on.

I didn't think I felt anything but once she left I realized I felt SOMETHING, I just don't know what :/
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Old 02-08-09, 02:54 PM
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Ann Ann is offline
Join Date: Oct 1998
Location: GA
Posts: 34,963

Hello and welcome to ilj.
The basic question here is not whether your feelings are intense enough . It is whether this young woman is the gift the Lord has created especially for you and you for her. If she is the "in loveness" will come. If she isn't no amount of feelings will make the match go right. So the solution is pray and ask the Lord to show you and to show her. Feelings can change. In any longmarriage there will be times when there is upset, anger when things just do not go in a romantic way in fact when life throws things at you that are survivable only by knowing that God is in this with you and that you can each and both lean on Him.

My husband and I have been married 30 yrs as of last October. Neither of us felt all the romantic stuff when we first met. We did not even like each other. Over a few yrs we became friends and because God kept having us help the same people and situations we prayed together and talked together often. There came a time when he knew that God said I was to be his wife. Very wisely he did not tell me (I wouldn't have listened) but asked the Lord to show me. For me there was someone else I and most people I knew believed was God's choice. I learned that was wrong pretty becomes fairly obvious a guy has other interests when he calls you and asks you to tell his mom he's bringing home a woman when he comes to visit. At that point I would not have felt anything romantic about anyone (ever if you asked me). But the man who is now my husband wisely prayed and was just there. The feelings did come but for me not till after the Lord showed me that this was the person He had chosen for me. Things have not always been easy. But there has always been the assurance that this was GOd'schoice and blessing. I honestly think that everyone who knows Jesus can have that if they will keep Him their priority.

I'll be praying for you both for the Lord to lead and guide you and show you the blessing He has for you. Please post again or consider being part of ilj if you are not and let us know how you are.
1Peter 2:24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. ... Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. Matthew 25:40 & 45
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Old 02-10-09, 11:38 PM
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Charles Charles is offline
Join Date: Jan 1999
Location: Cleveland, GA USA
Posts: 1,035

Feelings come and go. The crazy in love thing is often more movies and young teens than a reality for grown ups. It can also show up after not before realizing this is God's person for you.

Main thing is to pray and ask the Lord to show you in a way He knows will get through to you and show her in a way he knows will get through to her.

If you have a anywhere near good job where you are staying at it may be the best thing for now. You can talk by phone, net, etc. This is not the best time to be job hunting or to be the new guy in any company because cutbacks are almost inevitable. Starting a marriage costs money. Serious dating can cost a good bit too. Lack of job stability can make problems in any relationship. You can get through them with the rioght person but why look for trouble.

If you still are not sure you can always get in touch and say hey I miss you and see what happens next.
Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature Matthew 16:15

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