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Old 09-18-08, 03:46 PM
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Ann Ann is offline
Join Date: Oct 1998
Location: GA
Posts: 34,963

Hello miraclebruin welcome to ilj I hope you will come back often and fellowship.

It sounds as if you are feeling a lot of condemnation about having anger and about whether you have forgiven. Romans 8:1 promises us "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Condemnation comes from the devil, directs our attention to ourselves, and tells us we are wrong, bad, missing God. It leads to our being separated from God. Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit, directs our attention to Christ, and tells us God is good and shows us how to get from where we are to where God wants us. Conviction helps unite us with God through Christ. Look at your post and your feelings. Which do you see conviction or condemnation?

What you said about your reactions to your parents is not as strange as it may seem to you. An abused child will often identify with the abuser, seek their favor and find it easier to make excuses for them and see their illness. It is often not a healthy mind set but is very understandable from the child's emotional state. It starts as a hope that by loving them the child can make them love him or her and not hurt any more. When I worked in child welfare that was one of the signs we were taught to look to help us identify which parent was responsible for abuse. The other parent, especially if the other parent is the mother, becomes the focus for much anger and mistrust which is rooted in feelings of betrayal. A child instinctively feels mother should protect them. In many ways failure to protect makes that parent a party to the abuse. Sometimes that parent also allows the abuse of the child because they think it keeps themself from being further abused. Sometimes they think they are doing a good thing when they teach the child to accept the abuse or try to teach them to love the abusing parent. This failure to protect and get help is a symptom of sickness too but often harder to see. This parent is also perceived as less powerful and therefore as less dangerous on which to focus negative feelings negatively. You may well know all this consciously or unconsciously and may have gone over and over it in therapy. But as you said "the spirit of Jesus, Himself was the best counselor ever". He still is.

Secular counseling generally tells us to look at all the bad stuff, come out of denial, work through our pain by focusing on it. For many of us that just doesn't work effectively. We get stuck in the bad stuff and can't get free of it and the more we try to focus on the bad stuff to work through it the more it overwhelms us. Religion on the other hand tells us to deny the pain and sin and that doesn't work either because we know it is real. Jesus Christ is the only one with the guts to help us look at sin directly, recognize it for what it is as bad as it is, acknowledge it in all the yucky horror of it and recognize that we can not do a thing about it in our own but that He has already paid the full penalty for it. We see a whitewashed cross sometimes. We need to see the cross with his blood running down and recognize that it was not the spikes in his wrists and feet that held Him there but His love for us and His determination to pay the price of sin for us so we can be in Him. Jesus Christ doesn't make sin better He makes it gone whether sin done by us or to us he is the only real answer. Everything else is just a band aid on a slashed artery, supposed to help but useless. Now having gone to the cross for you, having win you to Himself by His own blood and by the drawing of the Holy Spirit is Jesus going to let satan take you away now by getting you to focus on your feelings? Of course not. If you had a 100 carat diamond that you just paid $3,000,000 for and someone dropped it in the commode would you flush or would you get it out and clean it off again? Silly question maybe but you are Christ's diamond. He paid a price for you far costlier than $3,000,000 or even $300,000,000. He knows the substance of the life that is inside you because He put it there, He is not going to let you rest in mucky feelings nor will He flush you away.

You have tried to feel forgiven and probably tried to feel forgiving too. Forgiving is not a feeling but a decision. Just as Jesus decided to go to the cross for you. The feelings come after the decision is made. But even when we are emotional we can't let feelings and emotions rule our lives. Feelings can be effected by loneliness, by what we had for supper, by health, by the weather, etc. We have to live in facts. The fact is that you either chose to forgive your father and your mother or you can choose to do it now. Once done it's done. From then on when the memories of being hurt, of not being protected come you can say - out loud if possible - I have forgiven. Then deliberately put your mind on what Christ did for you. Those first months and years you were in love with Jesus Christ to the point where that was all that really mattered. Then came cares of life and they began to claim your attention. Then came focusing on whether you had forgiven. Then focusing in how you feel. The way back is simple - not easy just simple. It is the same way you were born again to start with. Lord Jesus I need You. Please forgive me and make me clean and make me Yours. Feelings may flood or they may hide but God's word says in John 6:37 "All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out." Christ does not lie.

Some basic environmental rearrangement can help you keep your focus on Christ and not on feelings. Keep inspiring Christian music playing as constantly as you can. Even in the background as you do other things it helps to set the tone of your thinking. Even if you can't sing in the shower sing along with them sometimes. Play Bible CD's or tapes. Psalms and the gospels especially or go to Make yourself signs or pretty posters with scriptures that inspire you and hang them where you will automatically see them. is one good source for free pictures and scripture together. Put post it notes with your favorite scriptures on the bathroom mirror, on the door as you go out, on the dashboard if you have a car. This is part of hiding God's word in your heart. Psalm 119:11 "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee." is one of the many places in the Bible that tell us that His word can fill our hearts and minds and form our thoughts and lives for Him. Praise is a mighty weapon. Remember 2 Chronicles 20 especially verses 20-22. If you have gotten to where you feel condemned in reading you may need to take your word in small doses at first one or 2 or 3 or 4 short scriptures at a time like a person suffering from malnutrition who can not digest a huge meal at first which is one of the things that makes picture signs a joy but as you do that and pick verses that bring joy not condemnation your ability to eat and digest God's word will grow.

You are precious in God's sight.
1Peter 2:24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. ... Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. Matthew 25:40 & 45
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