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Old 09-18-08, 01:50 AM
miraclebruin miraclebruin is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Istanbul
Posts: 2
Default Unforgiveness Causing Distance from God?

Hello. Iím new to these boards. It looks very helpful and Iím grateful I can ask questions here and get compassionate, thoughtful and spiritual answers.

So, with that said, I have a problem I would love some prayer and advice on. I became a (true) Christian about 8 years ago-at age 22. I was so grateful bc God saved me out of such a shameful and unhealthy life. I couldnít get enough of Godís presence in my life for the first five or six years-even until last year, I felt I could taste a piece of Heaven just praying to my God. I guess I am a bit of an emotional person ☺ Anyways, I moved to Turkey to try to do ministry work while pursuing a new field of work here as well. I am enjoying the experience, tho its very difficult, but, sadly, I donít feel like Iím in a good position spiritually anymore to do any good for God.

I feel that things started to change in me about a year or so before coming to Turkey-I became an angry person and started to lose my passion towards God. Anger was an emotion I didnít really experience much before. I came from an abusive family. My father, an alcoholic to this day abused me for most of my childhood life (til 14). I believe my problem with God is in the fact that I cant forgive my parents, tho I have tried and tried.

I used to feel the presence of God and that He was listening and there for me constantly but now I cant feel anything but guilt because I feel I have lost my ability to pray (sometimes I just sit with God trying to form prayers to little avail) and I think more of myself in prayer than others and I am so caught up with my difficult new career and the difficult new life-not speaking the language well, etc etc, I donít know how to be effective here for God as I felt I was at home and with all this combined all I feel is guilt. I read the scriptures to remind me of the truth-that I am always forgiven and accepted and loved by God-that he will never leave me or forsake me, etc, but I just cant keep it in my head or heart long enough to battle the lies, it seems.

I think unforgiveness is my major problem but let me tell you about that. I never really felt angry at my dad for the perverted things he did-I felt sorry and disgusted but the anger was never directed at him. It was all directed at my mom. I was so angry at her for allowing him to abuse me the way he did, and I guess I still am. I donít think about it, I try to work it all out in my head to be compassionate towards her and I try to treat her much differently than I did before I was a Christian. I try to serve her, be affectionate with her when I can stand it, and I try to listen and accept her weaknesses, but my heart wont let me. All the while-I feel nothing towards my dad- in the way of anger-infact he has been my closest friend in the family for a number of years. I know this sounds twisted but its just the way it is. Iím 30 now and I have seen many counselors over the years and the spirit of Jesus, Himself was the best counselor ever, but now I feel stuck. I am trying to move forward and forgive both of them-I know I have to embrace the pain in order to truly fogive but I donít know how to do that either (towards my dad) and I certainly have embraced pain have with my mom, so after that how do you change your heart to forgive-I donít feel like itís a choice-I wonder if God finally ďgrantsĒ it. The worst part about it for me is that I donít feel any connection to my God anymore and Iím terribly, terribly sad about that.

I know you may not be trained professionals in these types of issues but please offer me some spiritual advice if you can. Sorry for writing so much! Thanks a lot, prayerfully-Miraclebruin
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