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Old 02-07-09, 03:55 AM
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Default relationships... If you don't "just know"

I've always thought when you fall in love with someone, you'd "just know" or it would be this initial magical shooting stars moment, and there'd be this exciting feeling of infatuation, then you get to know the person and as you grow in relationship things start to confirm and deconfirm all of that and your head matches your heart.

I guess I'm confused lately. For a long time I had these "magic feelings" for another girl and it never worked out. And for the last year I've know this other girl, and due to friend groups, we've hung out an awful lot. I never really started any of that as liking her or with that thought at all, in fact, I never though too much. And I realize now I had a lot of walls up, yet I also wonder if I was really interested that feelings wouldn't have pressed through that.

There was a lot of reasons I wrote things off with that at first...

- her family is from a different state and isn't the picture perfect family
- different views on alchohol; though she isn't a partier or anything she'll have a drink when people go out, and on occassion she'll drink more than she ought... not to being drunk, but being buzzed... though I never get the impression she is a partier type of personality or anything like that, in fact she chose to not drink alchohol at all for 2008 as her new year's resolution, just because its something she didn't ever want to have any hold in her life
- she doesn't raise her hands in worship and is just more reserved in that way, which I know is fine, it doesn't matter how people worship the point is the heart, I just mean it is different than how I was raised and relate to the Lord
- I wish I knew more about her depth and walk with the Lord, I know she has a walk with God and she has very strong character and certainly talks about her talking to God or God leading her in certain ways, I just haven't really had any deep conversations with her about that. But she's done a lot of youth camps and is a Jr. High leader. I just mean, I've always felt like I've known more about girls walks with God or been more open about it in the church I was raised in, which is also a pretty conservative church


Anyway, all I am saying is for a long time I just had a wall up against any possibility because my heart was elsewhere with another girl, I had this picture of what I thought a girl should be like, and even look like physically, and just how a relationship should look or unfold.


But as time has gone by and I've gotten to know her better, I've started to see things and realize things. Her heart is amazing. She has so much fruit in her life, like when I think of describing her Galatians and the fruits of the spirit come to mind. She is one of the kindest and most loving and accepting and patient people I have ever met. I really like her personality and she has a sense of adventure and just life to her. I feel really comfortable around her; she accepts me for who I am and I never feel like I have to change anything about myself. Her profession and her life goals are overall very compatible with mine. We're both the same age (24) and recently done with college and have a degree.

I know she liked and we spent a day together some months ago that sort of made that pretty clear, but then I pushed her away and sort of distanced myself, even though we always hung out in the same friend group, mostly because I didn't feel like I liked her and didn't want to lead her on. Everything was always fine though.

I started to realize in the last few days before she left state to move back home that actually... maybe I do have feelings or like her. Just this realization that even though there's questions I have or things I'd feel like maybe need to be worked out, ie views on alcohol (I don't drink at all, though I am ok with social drinks and all my friends do but are very responsible, I just don't like it when she has more than one drink or so, I don't think there is any reason to have more than one drink or especially to ever even let yourself get buzzed), and I'd want to learn more about her walk with God, etc...

But yes, just this thought as she packed up and left that... what have I done? Was I so blinded by this other person and these preconceived notions of what I thought I wanted or how a relationship should look or unfold that I missed the best thing that could ever happen to me?

But yet I feel like something like this should or would be just crystal clear, like I should have these feelings of "yup I'm in love with her!" Like, usually I think it is your heart that does funny things to your head... but for me, I feel like it is my head and logic that is doing things to my heart, like I feel like I can make a very long list of reasons why I should like her, but for so long I just never felt a thing... and now I've started to feel something when she left; and i wonder if I am just confusing feelings of her leaving and moving with feelings of attraction and/or really started to realize I like her.

I guess I never wanted to be motivated by fear, ie confusing a fear of not ever finding someone with such a great heart like hers and acceptance of me and just compatibility, with just this overwhelming "love" where you just know. At the same time, I don't want to miss something because I am not open or have this wall put up to what I think things should look like in a person or how things unfold or be superficial or anything of that sort.

I guess I don't really know what I feel, I feel like I wish I had some more time to figure this out, but now.... now I don't, because she moved.

I know that seems like the door is closed, but I am very open to moving to, since she moved to LA and I have friends there and a couple of my friends just moved there and I am in a transition time in life anyway, and there are possible some great job opportunites for me there, and I was sort of thinking about the possibility of moving to LA before I started having any feelings.


Anyway I am rambling, I apologize. The point is...

Why do I feel like I don't know? Is that normal, or should you just know?
Does it sound like I am not being open, or haven't been open to something, because of superficial reasons or preconcieved notions or walls I put up?
Does it sound like I am being motivated by fear or love? (I know thats a hard if not impossible question to answer).

I guess I am just looking for some Godly help, wisdom, and advice - both spiritual, and just merely practical... does it sound like I'm in love or sad a friend is leaving? What the heck is going on.

I didn't think I felt anything but once she left I realized I felt SOMETHING, I just don't know what :/
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